In business as in life, feedback is important. Many times we don’t even recognize the feedback we’re getting—the signs of a failing relationship or a business deal about to go wrong—and we go on thinking everything is fine. But if we pay attention to the signs and ask for feedback along the way, we’ll be much more successful in making the changes we need to improve.

A few weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about life in general. He told me that he and his girlfriend of many years just broke up. He was sad, but he wasn’t surprised by the breakup. I had to know why.

When I asked him why they broke up, he said, “I’m not sure. We’re still friends, and I told her that I wanted to know why she really broke up with me.” When I asked him why, he said he wanted to know where they went wrong, what he did wrong, so that it would help him in his next relationship.

I told him that what he wanted was what is referred to in the business world as an “exit interview”. He chuckled and agreed that yes, that’s exactly what he wanted. I wondered, what if he’d asked this same question before they broke up? Was it possible they’d still be together? After thinking for a minute, he said he guessed I was right.

Feedback is essential to maintaining any relationship, whether it’s personal or professional. Often times this feedback comes to us without us having to ask for it.

In my friend’s case, there were undoubtedly signs of a failing relationship long before the breakup. Maybe they were fighting more than usual or he had a feeling that she wasn’t happy and he never realized what these signs meant. In the same sense, if we get a bad feeling about interactions with our boss or coworkers or we sense that things are not moving along smoothly, we need to take notice. These are the signs we need to pay attention to if we’re going to learn from the feedback others give us.

I asked my friend: “Were you at one point feeling that something was wrong?” He said that yes, there were times when she was annoyed for no particular reason. I asked him if he remembered a specific pattern or when everything started to change. He couldn’t point to a specific reason or trigger, which meant that he probably wasn’t paying attention. I know he’s thinking about it now. The truth is, life will tell us what is working and what is not. In the words of the great Paulo Coelho, we must read the signs.
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I wasn’t always looking and reading the signs myself, especially when I was younger. Now I can see that during my first marriage, there were plenty of signs. If I had paid attention, I would have known they were screaming at me, telling me something was wrong, that it wasn’t going to end well. I failed to read these signs and indeed, things did not end well. It took many years and me becoming more aware of myself before they became evident to me. You know what they say: “hindsight is 20/20.”

But we can learn. We can teach ourselves to pay attention to the signs. My senses are keener these days, and I look for the signs life gives me all the time. And more importantly, I ask for feedback from the people that matter most to me.

The key to gaining valuable feedback is to keep the focus on you. Rather than saying, “What’s her problem,” or “They did this to me for no reason,” or “He must be moody,” turn your attention on you. What can you do to change a situation? Was there something you did to push someone’s buttons or start an argument? Was there anything you could have done to avoid their reaction? Sometimes the subtle things we do build up, and if we don’t make an effort to read the signs and do something about it, we’ll never improve.

As an executive coach I help successful people become even more successful, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that it’s very common to focus on others when we should be focusing on ourselves. What behavior of yours is hurting a relationship or causing problems? What are we doing that we don’t even realize? These are the questions you should be asking, and the only way to know how your actions and behavior affect others is to ask them. Ask for feedback, and once you get it, do something about it. Change the behavior before it becomes the reason for your breakup.

Skillfully edited by Tara May

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