A friend of mine recently got divorced, and watching her go through that heartache brought memories of my own divorce flooding back. My friend was having trouble coping with the breakup of her marriage, just like I had. I wanted to help her understand that she’d get through it and that she didn’t have to do it alone. When I told her about my journey, she cried some, especially when I told her she wasn’t alone. She’d been the breadwinner of her household, one of those amazing women who are strong, independent, and self-reliant. After living this way for so long, doing it all on her own, she had a hard time accepting that she could reach out for help now.

My friend’s behavior was not unlike that of the executives I work with on a regular basis. In my leadership coaching business, I deal with very bright and successful individuals. In fact, the coaching process is built on the premise that the executives we coach have three basic beliefs about themselves: I am successful; I choose to succeed; and I will succeed. Even so, many of them continue to do things in the way they know how, which is not necessarily the way that best works for their purposes.

My friend was also doing things the way she’d always done. She too is a very bright and successful woman, and she knows how to achieve personal and professional success on her own. So when it came to the breakup of her marriage, she naturally applied that same tried-and-true way of thinking. She would get through it on her own. And she probably could have. After all, she’d been doing everything on her own up until then. But by choosing to bear the weight of her divorce all alone, she was doing great a disservice to herself.

As it turns out, she eventually came to the same conclusion. I recently spoke to her again and found her in a much better state of mind. Unlike before, her voice was full of excitement and hope. I was happy for her and asked her what caused the turnaround. We talked for a bit and she said that after our conversation she realized that she didn’t have to do it all alone. She decided to seek help, not just to cope with her divorce, but also to live a happier, more productive life. She learned a three-step process to coping with grief that was integral to her healing:

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  1. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some time to morn; just don’t get stuck there. Life goes on.
  2. Take care of yourself first. Do something new and exciting that brings joy to your life. (Find a passion).
  3. Realize that you cannot do it alone. Seek help, guidance, and inspiration from others. As my friend put it, “Working with other people has allowed me to create alliances and relationships that didn’t exist before. They are invigorating.”

I was very happy to hear this, since it reinforces our tenets at Beyond the Fear: Change happens; fear happens; but we don’t have to do it alone. My friend had gone through a very difficult change. As she put it, “One minute my life was OK, and the next minute it was changed.” Unfortunately, the transition takes a lot longer on the inside than it does on the outside, but once she allowed herself to seek help, she was able to heal and move forward.

Before we parted, I asked her what she does now when she’s feeling blue or when there are moments of weakness. She responded with conviction, “I get up and get going.” I knew she was going to be just fine.

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