They call it “constructive criticism,” but I never really understood that term. The word “constructive” alludes to a sense of building up, or putting together. If that’s true, why does every negative comment or smarmy suggestion leave me feeling torn down and exposed?
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I’ve begun to notice that I have a problem with criticism. Because, you see, I don’t know how to take it, or how to learn from it. Whenever I receive a healthy dose of criticism, or—let’s be honest—even the slightest hint of negativity, it threatens my already wobbly self-confidence. It’s like someone pushed a bright red button that shines a spotlight on the inadequacies I’m already convinced I possess. Once that happens, it’s my immediate reaction to want to throw in the towel and give up on whatever it is that drew the undesirable response. I tell myself that I knew I wasn’t good enough to begin with, and now I have proof. It can ruin my whole day and leave me feeling sick inside.
So what’s the deal? Am I really so fragile that I can’t take a little criticism? I don’t really believe that's true. I think there’s a lot more to it. I think a great deal of this behavior is due to the fact that most of us are taught to be careful with each other’s feelings. We don’t always say what we really feel, or tell people our honest opinion when they ask for it. We are afraid of hurting their feelings and how they might react to our honesty. We treat people this way, and at the same time, we get used to being treated this way.
We all want to believe that we are well liked and that the work we produce is good work. We may not always need validation, but it sure feels good when we get it. And we are ill-prepared when we are confronted with criticism and honesty, even when it is for our own good and meant to help us grow.
But we can't be afraid to take a little criticism, or even give some ourselves. We should use it as motivation to keep trying. We can’t fall apart every time we are told that we could do a better job. As Anne Lamott would say, write your shitty first drafts, take the criticism, learn from it, and move on. Your second draft will always be better if you allow it to be. And if someone still tells you that it isn't perfect, that's fine; it's probably the best you can do, and ultimately, we need to learn to be okay with that too. This wisdom can be applied to much more than writing; it can be applied to any endeavor we spend our precious time and energy pursuing.
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