"It's not hard to make decisions once you know what your values are." —Roy E. Disney
As important as it is to find the right people in our lives, we don’t always find them the first time around. Back when I was still married to my first wife—my “practice marriage”—we were in a bad place. We’d been happy before, back when things were awesome and nothing could come between us, but that had changed. There were a lot of things we didn’t see eye-to-eye on, and we’d struggled along on our own for a long time before we decided to seek help. We were tired of fighting about the most insignificant things and of resenting each other. We were exhausted and drained when we appealed to a therapist to help us rekindle our marriage and stay together.
And so it began, the most horrendous time of our marriage, which also happened to be the time when I thought we were working on saving it. The therapist told us we needed to go back in time and see where we lost the love, where we left the trust, and why it happened. Like two good soldiers, we did what she said. We went back in time, remembering the hurt, remembering the mean things we’d done to each other, trying to find the moment when we started to deviate. The therapist urged us, “We need to see where you went bad, break this marriage, and build it back up again.” All we succeeded in doing was breaking down any remaining love we had for each other. Looking back now, I realize how horrible this therapy was, but I couldn’t see it then.
The therapist’s approach was totally wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I knew then what I know now whether I’d put myself and my wife through that experience just because a “professional” claimed to know what she was doing. I don’t think so. Needless to say, my marriage did not survive, even though both of us had hoped to save it. After a few therapy sessions meant to bring us back together, we were farther apart than ever, and my ex eventually left for good.
It was a horrible experience, and it took me a long time to bounce back from it. But as difficult as my divorce was, I know now that it had to happen in order for us to admit to each other—to ourselves—that we were wrong for each other. Today I am married again and happier than I’ve ever been.
Finding love again wasn’t easy, but I learned a lot in the process. Five things in particular helped me get in the right frame of mind to open myself up again and find the person who was right for. These things didn’t come all at once, and I didn’t know I was supposed to do them. But they’re the reason for my happiness now, and my only regret is that I wish I could have done them sooner.
- Give yourself time to heal: After my wife left, I moved overseas to the Middle East. I focused on my work and wasn't concerned with finding a “rebound” relationship right away. It also helped that there wasn't a huge social scene there, so outside of work, I had lots of time to focus on me.
- A blessing in disguise: My marriage was over. I didn't know it then—I still wanted her back—but I know it now. And it was exactly what I needed to find happiness. Later, I sent my ex an email thanking her for putting me on the path to happiness when she left. It took letting go to finally realize the blessing it was.
- Find your passion and let it guide you: It was so easy to sit around and feel sorry for myself because my marriage had failed and I was alone. I was depressed for a long time, but running saved me. Once I began to take it more seriously, it became the passion I pored myself into. I suddenly had something to do on the weekends instead of lamenting over the past.
- Learn to be positive: There’s nothing more powerful than believing that no matter what you’re going to be OK. And you will be.
- Know yourself: Over the course of my first marriage, I lost myself. It took her leaving to force me to find myself again. I had to remember what was important to me and what my values were. I used what I learned to find a mate who matched those core values. Knowing what is important to you is priceless.
- (Bonus learning key) Keep your eyes open: What you’re looking for might be right under your nose. My current wife and I were friends long before we got together. I never saw her as a potential mate, didn’t notice all the wonderful traits she had (including core values that matched mine) simply because she didn’t fit the image of who I saw myself with. Once I opened my eyes and realized she was everything I wanted, there was no looking back. Now we’re married and raising a beautiful baby girl, and I couldn’t be happier.
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